We’re flawed because we want so much more.
Mad Men, S4 E8
"Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately after they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish." - Herman Hesse
Here marks the 1 year anniversary of the worst day of my life: the day I graduated college. As cliche as it sounds I cannot believe it has already been a year…time barely existed in the past 360 days. I think it’s time for me to reflect because I’m supposed to be an post-grad expert at this point…right?
—Cue huge personal life rant/story/saga/shit-show/etc.—
Reading back, my posts right before I was about to graduate, ones right after, and ones a few months later were nothing short of feeling lost and unhappy. I remember an unbearable sense of aching while I was writing them. I remember thinking, “a year from now I will be so much better; I will have gotten over this sudden loss and my ‘mourning’ will be over. I will have a real job, money, my own place, and will be growing into my adult life, etc.” (you get the idea). I really thought that the transition would not be more than a year.
Welpppp….not much has changed. I still wake up every day and miss my life in college. There are a few differences from now and a year ago though….the first being I don’t have this incredible need to escape like I did before. I was ready to do ANYTHING if it meant getting out of my house. I had a new crazy idea every day that I was going to move here or there or just go away and never come back. I felt like I was going mad in my house living with my parents like some goddamn child. I’d start each day loathing everything about it and just wishing non stop I could just be back at school or doing anything that made me feel free or happy again. The only feelings I could really have were anger, anxiety, and some manic bursts of happiness when I would get another wild idea. It was a shitty way to run emotions. It didn’t help that I didn’t have many friends at home. Some had lost touch, some had moved away…many isolated themselves and gave up their lives to devote to their boyfriends…it was all very sad. I had never felt more alone here and every day I just wanted to be with my friends back in Delaware that I had spent the past 4 years with. The upside was that I had a job and it was in my field…it was only part-time but I was happy to just have an adult job.
The light at the end of the tunnel came when I had a plan that actually seemed like it was going to happen. I was planning to move back to DE with a good friend in a fun town. I was going on interviews and everything seemed to be going great. For that month or so that I thought that plan was going to work, I was RIDICULOUSLY happy. I felt like I was in love or something! Always smiling, dancing around and singing like an idiot… but finally I saw an escape…it seemed like my life was starting to come together.
And thennnn the plan fell through.
That was the last time I remember myself really happy since graduation.
So back to the present…Let me just mention now that it’s a YEAR later and I’m still working f*****g part-time at this shitty ass job that’s an hour and a half away from me. I need to find something else, I know, but it’s been hard. It’s a difficult cycle when you’re so upset with your current situation and it has you in such a bad state of mind, that you can’t even find the will power or motivation to change things. I wouldn’t say I was suffering from anything serious but this just has not been a year for me. I’m working on it…
Things aren’t all bad and I don’t want this to be a big whiny, complain-y post. I want it to be honest. The best thing that has happened and is still happening: I have made some new friends and gotten myself a little social life at home. It came from re-connecting with people from high school and meeting friends of friends. I am so thankful for these people. It’s going out and doing things with friends that really keeps me going and brings me the most happiness. I’ve realized that surrounding yourself with genuinely good people is the best thing you can do. Drinking beer and dancing to live bands like a silly octopus with your friends is also the best thing you can do.
I keep reading all of these posts about what I “should” be doing in my 20s and in my post grad life. All of the EXPERTS or whoever telling me I need to GO TRAVEL or whatever….COOL. Yes I would love to travel. Please, actually! But tell me…Where the hell do they expect us to get that money?! If you work, you can’t just up and leave your job to go backpack through Europe! You have responsibilities and when you come home you need that job because you have bills to pay! I just don’t understand….Is my job making me miserable? Yes! I would love to quit it! They say leave your job if it’s making you miserable, etc. etc. but then you have no money to the fun things they’re insisting you do. None of it makes any sense. Do not read those articles… they give you a false sense of what life in your 20s should be and I’m going to be a little cynical here and tell you, unless you’re a very lucky person and step in the exact right pile of shit, they are lying.
Now all of this is obviously very subjective. Am I having a difficult time? yes. Is everyone who has graduated? Absolutely not. Some are adjusting quite well, I’m sure.
The Sagittarius in me has been on this quest for the past year. Trying to figure out where I fit in to this new life and how to make the most out of it. Searching for something that will give me that aha moment ….just looking for meaning, happiness….looking for it in the right places, and definitely in many of the wrong places….trying to find balance in my life and that sense of freedom I so miss. Just becoming at peace with myself and having the will power to move forward and make this life of mine the best. I am so tired of wasting time on feelings when I should be driving ahead full speed and not looking back. Clarity…that’s all I need…should I say I’ll find it soon? Stay tuned…
Have a good night everyone.
A man at Starbucks today started talking to my friend and I. He told us that this was the time in our life to take chances, always go for it, and to keep our chins up. We talked for about 20 minutes as if he were some sort of prophet or something. My friend and I felt like it was a sign, a connection, a gift from a spirit who cared about our well being…advice from a stranger who seemed to know our life story but who we had never met before. You meet people for a reason. Just a man in a line at Starbucks and he happened to change my day. Thank you.
Lately I’ve been focusing on trying to be a better person and view the world in a more positive light. Good people, positive actions, and kindness fuel this…although there is bad in the world, there is still so much good we just need to take more moments to notice it.
I’m learning things dont change over night. Pick something you’re unhappy about and make a plan. Have a realistic list of steps you can take in order to make a change and do everything you possibly can to make that change. It may take a while but it will happen when it’s supposed to. The universe will have your best interest in mind. Embrace every opportunity that could have the potential to change your life in a positive whether you are unsure or not…just try it, just go for it. You have nothing to lose but maybe your time and energy but that is way less of a loss than always wondering “what if”. Believe that the world will only offer you things you believe you are ready to handle. There will be struggle and things will be hard…but everything will work out. Have faith that your life will play out exactly the way it’s supposed to as long as you decide to play a proactive part in the opportunities you are given, and decide to do everything in your power to provide yourself with those opportunities. Your life- Everything will be so imperfect but so beautiful and it will be yours.
A woman’s body is a beautiful work of art, & it is her choice & her choice alone how much skin she wishes to show. Dehumanizing a woman & labeling her a “slut” or “whore” with no morals based on that choice is not a negative reflection on her, but on the bigot who is judging her.
David Levithan, Every Day
this song always makes me feel hopeful no matter how many times I hear it
I’ve been neglecting my tumblr….
I think it’s because I’ve always treated it more like a diary (a public diary) and it’s been way too hard for me to process my own thoughts and feelings for the past few months.
Post-grad life is so hard. Everyone told me it would be, and for the last few months of college I was just in a constant state of nervous breakdown because I was so scared to graduate. Turns out I was right to be scared all along.
I know things will get better and of course I know things could be worse, but it’s just difficult. There are so many times when you just feel so alone, missing the comfort of your life and your friends back at school…feeling so distant from the friends you (once) had at home.
Nothing feels like home anymore and everything seems so unexciting. you just keep thinking to yourself……”this can’t be it….right?”
No, it can’t be. If this is it, then I am done…and I am not done.
I have “drafted” so many plans to get out of here. Move away, go to the city, chase big dreams etc. But I forgot about being the littlest bit realistic. I now have “responsibilities” (yay adulthood) that I must make sure I can take care of before making any real decisions… but I think I’m on my way.
This transition is the most depressing I have ever made. It’s like a constant state of just waiting for the next big thing to happen. You stop living in the moment and you just start counting the moments until the next step — it’s a horrible feeling, living in limbo like that. I can only hope that this is all worth it. As long as I work hard to try to get where I want to be, I can hope to only minimize my sacrifices. What I’m learning as I’m being introduced to all this, is it’s all about the size of the sacrifice because it seems that you’re never exactly where you want to be.
I can’t wait until I can start enjoying life instead of just going through the motions.
I know it’s coming soon and I’ll do everything I can to get there.
Right now, I’m unhappy.
Need to do something about it…